


(Don't) Hold Your Breath

by soft_satan



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Firefam Feels, Firehouse 118 Family Feels (9-1-1 TV), Firehouse 118 as Family (9-1-1 TV), Gen, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Presumed Dead, Team as Family, Whump, Worried Firefam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:55:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25603921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_satan/pseuds/soft_satan
Summary: “I’m willing to take that risk.”“I’m not.”Maybe Bobby should have put his foot down. Maybe he shouldn’t have listened to his recklessly brave subordinate and allowed such a risky rescue attempt.Maybe then Buck wouldn’t be dead....coda for 3x18
Relationships: Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV) & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 49
Kudos: 756





	(Don't) Hold Your Breath

**Author's Note:**

  * For [autumnchills](https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnchills/gifts).



> Heyo! soft satan here! I gifted this fic to autumnchills because I was going to give up on this idea when I couldn't figure out the logistics, but then she scoured the episode for reference screenshots, drew a diagram, and fucking did a whole ass physics project and made a diorama with a pair of shoes, a printer, and a headphone cord to figure out how to make it happen.
> 
> I love that nutjob.

_ “I’m willing to take that risk.” _

_ “I’m not.” _

Maybe Bobby should have put his foot down. Maybe he shouldn’t have listened to his recklessly brave subordinate and allowed such a risky rescue attempt.

Maybe then Buck wouldn’t be dead.

  
  


Buck and Eddie had just bumped fists, celebrating a successful rescue, when Bobby heard the first groan. Thinking quickly, he grabbed his radio to shout a warning at the pair, to tell Eddie to pull Buck in, but by the time he hit the talk button it was already too late. Buck was so startled when the car began to tilt that he let go of the edge of the window, sliding down his line several feet before he could stop himself. The momentum of the train falling swung him around to the other side like a pendulum, out of Bobby’s view but in the direct path of the train car. Bobby’s heart dropped into his stomach as it tipped, the crinkling of metal screaming into the night before it landed in the dirt with a resounding crash.

For a moment Bobby stood frozen to the spot on the roof of a train car, staring at the one that was once standing on its end. Shards of glass from the windows were scattered across the ground along the length of the car, shimmering with the reflection of flood lamps and emergency vehicle lights. A stunned silence fell over the personnel around him, but Bobby couldn’t tell due to the ringing in his ears.

Like a rush of adrenaline everything started moving again. Rescue workers were already swarming to the fallen car, breaking away what glass was stuck in the windows to get to Eddie still inside. A few others were walking around the perimeter of the train car with flashlights, searching for something, anything, to give them a shred of hope. But Bobby knew they wouldn’t find what they were looking for. At least, not without lifting the car.

Heart in his stomach and hope running low, Bobby reached for his radio as he ran for the ladder. “Eddie, Buck, do you copy?”

“Copy,” Eddie’s pained voice called out. “I’m okay.”

By the time Bobby reached the ground, other firefighters were already climbing into the car to help Eddie. Bobby gripped his radio tight as he rounded the train car, praying for any sign of life. “Buck? Are you there? Captain 118 to Buckley, do you copy?”

When he was met with silence and nothing but dirt on either side of the train car, reality set in with a dizzying speed. The captain blinked back tears, his hands suddenly feeling numb as his heart pounded in his chest. A couple of medics were just helping Eddie climb out the window of the train car as Bobby made it back around to the other side. The younger man was holding his arm against his chest, a trail of blood sliding down from a cut on his hairline and dripping off his jaw.

“Why isn’t Buck answering?” Eddie demanded, desperately searching the faces of every person around him. “Is he hurt? Where did he land?”

“Eddie,” Bobby called him softly, unable to force his voice out any harder through the lump in his throat. Eddie’s wild eyes found him, and instantly Bobby saw tears welling up in them. “Eddie, he… he slid down his line. It swung him around and--”

“No…” Eddie breathed, shaking his head slowly, looking back at where the train car had fallen and the deep indent it had made in the dirt. In an instant Eddie was crashing to his knees beside the car, his good hand digging at the dirt beneath it. “Buck! BUCK!”

“Eddie!” Bobby wrapped his arms around the other man carefully, pulling him back to stop his digging. “Eddie, it’s too late.”

Eddie fought back, trying in vain to shove Bobby’s arms away from him. “No! He’s under there! We have to get him out!”

“He’s gone, Eddie,” Bobby choked, keeping his arms firm around Eddie as they collapsed to the ground together. “He’s gone.”

Eddie’s trembling form slumping back against his Captain’s chest as an anguished sob ripped through him. He wanted to scream, to break down in tears, but all he could do was stare at the finger marks in the dirt as Eddie wept in his arms. The image of Buck reacting the same way just weeks before flashed through his mind, and Bobby’s heart would have shattered had it still been in one piece.

…

Eddie felt hollow as Bobby got him to his feet and guided him away from the train. Somehow he had managed to regain some semblance of composure, but miserable tears still made tracks down his face as he glanced back at the car. It felt so wrong to leave him there, alone. He’d promised Buck he would never be left behind. “We have to get him out.”

“We will,” Bobby said softly from beside him, practically holding Eddie up as they walked. “But first we need to get you checked out and take care of the people who still have a chance to survive. You know that’s what he’d want.”

Eddie just nodded in understanding, glancing back at the fallen car once more. So many emotions were swirling within Eddie’s chest, filling up the empty space where his heart was before it crumbled. Anger and grief fought for dominance, the former easily winning the battle and washing over him when he heard the hesitant voice call out.

“Captain Nash?” Buck’s ex, Abby, stood before them with her arms crossed over her chest and tears in her eyes. Behind her, her fiancé was being loaded into an ambulance. “Is Buck… Did he--”

“This is your fault,” Eddie growled, every ounce of anger he’d ever felt toward her seeping into his words. He had already hated the woman for all she had done to Buck, but now he was seeing red. She flinched at the venom in his tone, taking a small step back.

“Eddie…” Bobby warned, a hand on Eddie’s good shoulder, but that didn’t stop him. Nothing could stop the rage boiling inside him.

“You knew he would do whatever you asked of him, even after you abandoned him. You made him make a promise you  _ knew _ he would die to keep,” Eddie spat, fresh tears welling up in his eyes. He wiped them away roughly, leveling Abby with a glare. “And he did. Buck is dead because of you.”

“Bobby?” Hen’s cautiously questioning tone cut through the tension, and all eyes turned to her and Chim standing nearby. They both looked like they’d just been punched in the gut, wide eyes flicking between Bobby and Eddie in search of an answer.

Chim’s eyes shone in the glare of the flood lights. “Is Buck really…?”

Bobby sighed, looking like he was on the verge of a breakdown himself. “He got caught under the train car when it came down.”

“Is there a chance he could’ve--”

Bobby shook his head, cutting off Hen's question and snuffing out the fire of hope in her eyes.

Eddie turned his glare back to Abby, who was visibly trembling as she stared back at him. He wanted to say more, to scream in her face and berate her for all the horrible things she’d done to Buck, all the ways in which she’d used and broken the man’s kind heart. Instead of coming out as words, his every thought became tears flowing freely down his face.

“I’m sorry,” Abby whispered, and then she was walking back toward her new life, leaving Buck behind for the final time.

“Hen, can you check Eddie over?” Bobby asked, nudging him toward the woman gently. “I’m pretty sure his arm is dislocated.”

“Sure,” Hen nodded, swiping the back of her hand across her cheeks. With a gentle hand on his good shoulder, she started to guide Eddie toward an open ambulance. “Come on, Eddie. Let’s go sit over here.”

She was using her gentle mom tone, even as her voice wavered with emotion. It made Eddie want to cry even more. Chim stayed back talking to Bobby, but anything else that was said was lost on Eddie, his focus entirely on the burning ache in his chest. Maybe if he’d moved faster, gotten the victims out quicker. If he’d grabbed Buck and pulled him in when he felt the car lurch for the final time. There were so many things he could have done but didn’t do, and now his best friend was dead.

“Definitely a dislocation, but you have a strong pulse in your wrist, so I don’t think there’s too much damage,” Hen’s voice cut through his thoughts, bringing his attention to her focused but tear filled eyes. “We need to get you to the hospital to reduce--”

“Just set it. I’m not leaving until Buck is out.”

“Eddie, you know I’m not allowed--”

“Damn it, Hen. Just do it or I’ll do it myself,” Eddie snapped. “I was an Army medic. I know how to reset a shoulder.”

Hen took a step back, brows raised and hands on her hips. “You wanna try that a little nicer?”

Eddie sighed, deflating under her stern gaze as guilt began gnawing at him beneath his anger and grief. “I’m sorry.”

She nodded in acceptance and went back to the task at hand, grabbing a pair of scissors from the ambulance to cut away the sleeve of his turnout coat. “I know you’re upset, Eddie, but you’re not the only one who just lost someone they love.”

“At least you told him you loved him.”

She sighed, giving him a sympathetic look. “Oh, Eddie. He knew.”

“Not everything.” Eddie just shook his head, fresh tears blurring his vision. “So are you going to fix my shoulder or am I going to have to slam myself against this rig?”

Hen huffed, lips turning up slightly on the corner despite the sadness that still shone in her eyes. “As amusing as that would be to watch, I’ll do it after I make sure nothing is broken.”

…

His lungs burned as he coughed to kickstart them back into functioning. He sucked in the humid air and coughed it back out, his breath pushed back into his face. The cold metal wall of the train car was right in front of him, touching his chest every time he heaved in the smell of metal and dirt. The ditch he had managed to roll into before the train car came down was shallow and narrow, pinning his arms to his sides. He wasn’t claustrophobic, but damn it if he wasn’t about to start panicking.

His radio crackled loudly by his ear, Bobby’s voice coming through like a beacon of hope in the darkness. “Eddie, Buck, do you copy?”

Buck opened his mouth to call, to shout, to try and make some kind of noise, but all that came out was a strangled wheeze and another round of coughing. He swallowed thickly, struggling to keep his breaths even and calm. The space surely wasn’t air tight, but oxygen was still low, and the last thing he needed was to use up what little he had before he was rescued. How cruel would it be to survive such an event only to suffocate to death?

“Copy, I’m okay.”

The pained but sturdy voice was all it took to calm Buck’s pounding heart. Tears welled up, escaping from the corners of his burning eyes and sliding into his hairline. Eddie was alive.

“Buck? Captain 118 to Buckley, do you copy?”

“H-help,” he gasped, the word coming out as nothing but a breath. Clearly having the wind knocked out of him not only stole his breath, but his voice as well. He cleared his throat and tried again, but once more the only sound that passed his lips was a wheeze.

Desperate to call attention to himself, he tried to get enough leverage to bang on the steel wall. His heart sank at the weak slapping noise he made, which was barely loud enough for even himself to hear in the enclosed space. Considering the chaos that was out there beyond his bubble, there was no way they would hear him no matter how hard he banged or screamed. He only considered trying to dig himself out for the briefest of moments, his critical thinking temporarily clouded by fear and desperation. Quickly he realized that messing with the dirt that was holding a train car just inches above him was a worse idea than scaling the side of said train car. His only logical option was to reach his radio and use it to call for help.

There wasn’t much room between his body and the train car above him, and none to his side. The thick layers of his turnout coat and climbing gear made it impossible to move his hand up to the radio, even as he sucked in as much as he could. Releasing his breath with a near defeated sigh, he tried to think quickly. Already he could feel the air in his would-be grave thinning, making it that much harder to think with every passing moment.

With a sudden breathy cackle, Buck got an idea, but the smile fell from his face as quickly as it had appeared. He wasn’t a paramedic, but he was more than aware of the protocols for possible spinal cord injuries. Though he hadn’t fallen quickly, he had still landed on his back hard enough to knock the wind out of himself. The muscles in his back were aching and spasming from the impact, but there was no way for him to assess his own injuries well enough to know for sure if what he was about to do would cause possible permanent damage. His arms were still mobile, which was a good sign, and he had yet to have trouble breathing despite the tight space and thick, humid air. He couldn’t see his own feet, but lifting each of his legs enough to tap the toe of his boot against the train car was enough to tell him that his risk level was low.

At least, he hoped. In the back of his mind he recalled reading about an entomologist who had suffered a spinal cord injury at a crime scene. He had had full mobility and feeling in his legs for some time after the incident, only for his injury to suddenly worsen and render him paralyzed from the waist down. Ice cold terror ran down Buck’s back at the thought.

But then again, he couldn’t be a firefighter if he was dead, either.

In the narrow ditch, he started to wiggle back and forth as much as he could, pressing his back into the dirt underneath him. With his hand against the warm metal wall above him, he continued to press and squirm, feeling himself getting further away from the train car millimeter by millimeter. He moved slowly, trying to keep his heart rate and breaths slow and steady to conserve what little air he had left in the crevice, but he didn’t stop.

He’d known that it was stupid to promise Abby to get her fiancé back to her. Practically the first thing they taught in the academy was to never make a promise. Life was unpredictable, there was no way to know which promises could be kept. But it was Abby. Buck had always been a bit of a dumbass when it came to Abby, he knew that. Still, he supposed his rescue idea had technically worked. Both Sam and Georgia had made it out.

But it was yet to be seen whether or not he would make it out, too.

Buck heaved a sigh of relief when there was finally enough space for his arm to slip between his chest and the train car. His fingers brushed against his radio, the feeling of the talk button under his thumb sending a rush of relief through his chest. Fresh tears spilled over and down his temples as he struggled to make a sound, a breathy, broken sound barely making it out of his throat. He tested it a few more times, his voice coming out a little stronger with every sound. With one last cough to clear his throat, he pressed the button down and called out a single word as loud as he could force it.

“Help.”

…

Bobby wanted nothing more than to find a place to hide and crumble. The sting of guilt twisted in his gut as he made his way back toward the operations tent to find out where he was needed next. He needed to focus, to get back to work and save the rest of the survivors before he allowed himself to let go and shatter. He tried to remind himself that it was part of the job, that Buck clearly expressed that he was okay with the risk he was taking and chose to do the task anyway. But it had been Bobby’s call in the end, and he’d allowed Buck to go through with his self-sacrificial idea. He’d been a fool to believe that the younger man would get through it alive. Buck was a lucky son of a bitch considering all he had been through and miraculously survived, but all luck ran out eventually. And Buck’s finally had.

Scrubbing a hand over his face to wipe his tears away, he shoved his emotions down into a box and steeled himself. He had a job to do and people to save. Even if he’d failed to save the one who mattered most.

“Bobby!”

“Go to the hospital, Eddie,” Bobby sighed, walking away from Eddie before the man could catch up to him. There was still work to be done, and Bobby knew that if he stopped for more than a minute, his grief would catch up with him. “You’re of no use to me injured.”

Eddie grumbled, readjusting the strap of his sling as he kept up with Bobby’s stride. “I’m not going until Buck’s body is retrieved, so you might as well put me to use. I can help with triage, hand out supplies--”

Bobby stopped and spun around to face Eddie, who barely halted quickly enough to keep from walking directly into his captain. He found a pain so deep within the younger man’s gaze that his stomach dipped. “Do you really want to see him like that?”

Eddie simultaneously looked like he wanted to throw up and punch Bobby in the face, but he only took a deep breath. “I need to be here, Bobby. Let me help where I can.”

"You can help by heading to the hospital with the next transport and getting yourself checked out," Bobby ordered gently. "The last thing I need right now is for you to collapse and injure yourself further."

"Hen cleared me, I'm fi--"

"She told me everything she found, Eddie. The cracked ribs, the possible damage to your shoulder.” He raised a brow. “The fact that you made her set your shoulder by threatening to do it yourself?”

Eddie’s frown deepened, but it was a tide pool compared to the depth of pain in the younger man’s eyes. “Bobby, please…”

Bobby wanted to let Eddie stay, if only to ease some small fraction of his pain, but he wasn’t about to give in. “Go to the hospital and get checked out. That's an order."

Both of their radios suddenly crackled to life with a weak, breathy voice gasping out the word “help.” Bobby felt the blood drain from his face at the sound. He knew that voice. And if the look on Eddie’s face was anything to go by, he wasn’t imagining it.

“I-I’m alive…” the voice rasped, becoming stronger and clearer with every word. “Buckley to… 118… I’m… I’m here. I’m alive. Help…”

Bobby took off toward the train car in a flash, Eddie on his heels. He grabbed his radio, shouting into the device as he ran. “This is Captain 118! I need that crane in position north of the fallen passenger car NOW! We have a man trapped beneath it! I hear you, Buck! I’m coming!

By the time he reached the train car, Hen, Chim, and half a dozen other firefighters were there, ready to do whatever it took to get their friend out. The anticipation was already building as the crane slowly moved toward the designated position.

“Buck, can you switch to channel five?” Bobby called into his radio. His heart was pounding as he waited for a response.

“Yeah,” Buck croaked over the crackle of the radio, releasing the pressure in Bobby’s chest with the simple word.

Bobby twisted the dial on his radio, switching to an unused channel to allow them to speak freely. “Buck? Can you hear me? Are you injured?"

“Bobby,” Buck called, his voice muffled but getting stronger. “Is Eddie okay?”

“Of course you’re worried about me while you’re trapped under a train car,” Eddie scoffed into his own radio, but the amused tone of his voice contrasted starkly with the tears streaming down his face. “I’m fine, Buck. Are you hurt?”

"No… I don't think so," Buck groaned. "Just got the wind knocked out of me."

“Forget rabbit feet and horseshoes. I want whatever good juju Buck has,” Hen chuckled.

“The crane is getting into position, Buck. It’s going to be a few more minutes until we get you out,” Bobby explained over the roar of the crane’s engine. “Just hold on and try to stay calm.”

“Easier said than done, Cap,” Buck chuckled nervously. “Getting a bit anxious down here.”

“We’re coming for you, Buck,” Chim supplied, a tremor of emotion in his voice.

“We’re all here for you,” added Hen.

“You’re going to be okay, Buck,” Eddie soothed, sounding as if he was trying to assure himself as much as he was his best friend.

Once it was finally in position, the arm of the crane lowered down at an achingly slow pace. The air was thick with anticipation as Bobby, Hen, and Chim descended on the train car, working together with a handful of other firefighters to lace chains through the windows and lock them into place on the crane’s hook. The whole team was waiting with baited breath as they cleared back from the area around the crane.

“I know you know this, Buckaroo, but there’s a chance you could have suffered some kind of spinal injury from that fall,” Chim called over his radio, his concern not well hidden at all. “I need you to stay perfectly still even after this thing is off you. Hen and I are right here, ready to come get you.”

“I moved some already,” Buck all but whimpered, sending a pang of fear through Bobby’s chest. “I had to. I couldn’t reach my radio. I’m sorry--”

“Hey hey hey, it’s okay,” Hen soothed over the noise of the crane starting to lift, sharing a look of concern with the rest of the team. “Just stay still from now on. We’ll take care of you, alright?”

“You’re not alone, Buck,” Eddie supplied firmly, leaving no room for argument. “We’ll be right here with you.”

“Okay,” Buck said, sounding a little more confident. “Okay, I’m okay.”

As the crane started to lift and the train car began to move, Bobby caught sight of Eddie standing rigidly off to the side, watching the scene unfold. The moment the car was lifted off enough to reveal Buck heaving in a dramatically deep breath of air, Bobby was already moving to latch onto Eddie’s good arm, holding him back from rushing forward. The younger man shot him a glare, but Bobby’s grip didn’t loosen.

“If that thing comes down for some reason, Buck will be fine where he is,” Bobby nodded toward the massive train car hanging in the air. “But you won’t. Give it a second.”

As soon as the car was being lowered down a few yards away from Buck, Bobby let go of Eddie, watching in fond amusement as the man hurried to Buck’s side. Overwhelming relief rushed through Bobby’s chest when a beaming smile took over Buck’s face as soon as he spotted Eddie. If he was smiling that brightly, he wasn’t in too much pain. Chim and Hen were right behind Eddie, wasting no time in getting to work on assessing the younger man. Bobby stayed back out of the way for a moment, listening to Hen and Chim discussing Buck’s condition.

It wasn’t until Buck was secured to a stretcher that Bobby approached, walking beside them as they moved toward a waiting ambulance. He grabbed the hand that wasn’t being clutched by Eddie, giving Buck’s fingers a firm squeeze as he leaned into Buck’s line of sight. “How you doing, Buck?”

“Not too bad, Cap,” Buck grinned. “At least I’m alive.”

"I'm pretty sure you're going to be just fine, Buckaroo," Chim supplied as he climbed into the ambulance to receive the stretcher. "No obvious signs of spinal injury."

"You are going to be pretty sore for a while, though," Hen added with a sympathetic wince.

Buck sighed. "I can live with that."

"At least we can recover together," Eddie suggested. "Misery loves company, right?"

Before they loaded him up, Bobby leaned close to Buck. He knew the younger man could see the unshed tears in his eyes, but he didn’t care as he whispered past the lump in his throat. “We got lucky today, Buck.”

Buck just smiled up at his Captain. “I know.”

“Eddie, I suppose you’re willing to go to the hospital now?” Bobby inquired with a knowing smirk.

“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get checked out,” Eddie shrugged his good shoulder, never letting go of Buck’s hand.

With one last squeeze of Buck’s fingers, Bobby let him go as they loaded him into the ambulance. “Text me an update once you two get finished.”

“You got it, Cap,” Buck chuckled, shooting Bobby a thumbs up.

Once Hen and Eddie were inside, Bobby shut the ambulance doors and the vehicle started to pull away, lit up in red and white. Bobby stood there for a moment, watching the ambulance disappear into the night. He still had the knot that had formed in the pit of his stomach the moment Buck had voiced his idea for the rescue, and he knew it wasn’t going to loosen until he knew for sure that Buck was going to be okay. But he was alive.

Bobby chuckled in amazement. “He’s alive.”

Wiping a stray tear off his cheek, he took a deep, shaky breath and sent up a silent prayer of thanks on his way back toward the wreckage.


End file.
